Fifty Shades of...Taylor Kitsch. Because what else is there?

If there is one thing an avid reader like myself hates in this world, its the book-to-movie adaptation. In an ideal world, I'd be able to see all of my favorite characters come to life right before my eyes looking  - BAM! - exactly as I imagined them in my head.

Honestly.

Unfortunately, this is not an ideal world (am I married to Taylor Kitsch? No?) and in the real world casting directors and writers alike decide to cast girls like Shailene Woodley in that coveted leading role. I would just like to say this: Shailene Woodley is going to singlehandedly ruin the movie adaptation of not only one of my favorite books of all time (The Fault In Our Stars, duh), but also of the book series I most actually wanted to see turned into a movie (Divergent, duh).

Let's go with no.
 

He nearly saves it, but still no.

She is potentially one of the worst actresses I have ever seen - The Secret Life of the American Teenager was not only the worst show ever, it ranked Number 1 on my roster of shit to make fun of several years running, which is notably hard to do. She is going to ruin Tris and Hazel Grace for me, and I will be crying during the Fault In Our Stars film for an entirely different reason than I cried during the book. I also really don't like the guy they cast as Augustus, but whatev.

No.

I was pleasantly surprised by the first Hunger Games movie (okay, okay - I loved loved loved it) and didn't hate the last Twilight film (emphasis on didn't hate), so I have relatively medium-sized hopes for the upcoming Fifty Shades of Grey movie.

Let me just say this: there was never going to be a casting decision that anyone was happy with. Repeat after me: the movie actors are never as you imagined them in your head. NEVER. Matt Bomer is not Christian Grey (really?? no.). Alexis Bledel will forever and always be Rory Gilmore, and I do not want to see Rory Gilmore get spanked. Admittedly, I was more invested in the casting of Christian (no actress could be worse than the written version of Ana for me) and was pleasantly surprised by the choice. I have never seen Charlie in anything, and therefore his slate is clean in my book.

I mean - hot, but no.

Hey girl hey

While I am busy picturing him with some ice cream and other assorted implements, I would like to mention that he is also HOT. While not the Christian prototype, they will undoubtedly change his appearance to fit the book, lest the millions (billions?) of fans rage against the casting machine. I could never have seen Ryan Gosling, or even Alex Pettyfer, in the role. There was one guy who I saw that was perfect, but I'm not even sure he was an actor - perhaps just a model, since a long-ago googled search netted him as "copper haired hottie." I could have maybe handled Ian Somerholder (duh), but even he wasn't the right type of hot (who knew I could even type that sentence about Ian without bursting into flames).

According to the Daily News, there is even apparently a petition to instate the aforementioned Alexis and Matt into the roles - honestly? I can't even comment on the stupidity of that.

THIS is Christian.

Right after the announcement came the rumor has it that Robert Pattinson was the top choice to play Christian. He doesn't play a horrible vampire, but this would have perhaps been the one casting choice that would have made me NOT see this movie - and I really, really, really want to see this movie. Robert Pattinson does not even remotely resemble the character, end of story.

In this category, Fifty Shades will so far have to live up to the best adaptation of all time for me - Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. While not my favorite movie or book in any regard, this adaptation is the best I've ever seen and perhaps, dare I say it, better than the book.

How can you resist his awkward cuteness?

I'm Baaaaaaaaaaack.

So I know I haven't written anything in about eight months, but I guess that's what happens when you get a real-person job where you work non-stop for ten hours a day. All the work stress kind of sucked the life out of my funny bone.

But guess what? It's back.

And now, I've had long eight months of funny things to build up to this moment. So much has happened in celebrity pop culture life that it's impossible to quantify it all. And soon it will all implode into the mother of all news: the Royal Baby. I am so overwhelmed by trying to decide what to make fun of that I just want to lay down:

I DIE.

In more interesting news, it seems the silver-fox George Clooney is single again - and one must wonder what all of these women keep doing wrong. Elisabetta Canalis, Sarah Larson, Lisa Snowdon, Krista Allen, Rene Zellweger, not to mention the woman he actually married, Talia Balsam - all doing something to drive this beautiful man away. That, or he's a playa who doesn't want to get out of the game. 

Either way, the man can't won't keep a relationship going for longer than a few years and is notorious for his "I will never marry EVAAAA" statement. The man is 52, don't you think that if he was going to settle down, perhaps he would have done it by now? It's a shame, too, because I would make a wonderful wife.

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I did a post awhile back about stupid names celebrities (and regular people) bestow upon their children, so I feel obligated to quickly mention Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's infant, North West. Aside from the fact that we have yet to see an image of the child, I can't help but wonder what they were thinking. Which is, I'm sure, how the entirety of the country who cares about this kind of stuff feels.

Drake Bell FTW.

The only birth more anticipated birth this year is the Royal Baby. That baby is so famous, he/she/it gets a title case name and its not even born yet. The entire country (and I'm sure all of England) is waiting on bated breath for the birth of this child and all I have to say is: it better not be ugly. Or named Right Middleton. Or something. It also has an app, apparently. I'm 24 years old and I don't have an app: what is wrong with this picture.

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Also, Sharknado is a thing that happened.

This movie reminds me that Shark Week and is therefore acceptable