Friday, September 28, 2012

Eric Dane. That's it.

In serious breaking news this week, Ke$ha claims to have met a ghost. This is a direct quote from the quasi-insane superstar:
"'It's about experiences with the supernatural...' she told Ryan Seacrest on his KIIS FM radio show...'I had a couple of experiences with the supernatural. I don't know his name! He was a ghost! I'm very open to it.'"
She said that, in those words, on the radio. In real life. You know who else had some sort of relations with a GHOST? Anna Nicole Smith. That's all I'm going to say about that.

In real life, though, I kind of like Ke$ha. Even though her music is just as bad as Rihanna's, style-wise, I find it much more appealing and can't seem to garner the same hatred that I have for Ri-Ri.

Perhaps it's because she leaves the house like that and doesn't even pretend to apoligize about it. Gotta love it. And for the record - that trash bag dress looks better than some of the multi-thousand dollar dresses at the Emmy's.

No, January Jones. Just no.
Last night was the MUCH-ANTICIPATED premiere of Grey's Anatomy. I know that not everyone in the world watches that show, but if you don't, you should. It literally has everything you could possibly want in primetime TV, including hot male cast members. I'm not sure, with the exception of the new-old doctor, that there IS a male character that is unattractive. Eric Dane, if you're reading this, HAIIIIIII.

I love you.
I have been searching far and wide for as many people as I can talk to about the premiere last night. So many things happened that it's hard to even express my actual emotions about it, other than to say that I cried. Like a baby.
Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are back together. Aka YAWN. The only reason(s) I even care about this story: 1) I hate Kristen Stewart so much its almost insane and 2) I have to wonder what actually happened and how different the real story is from what we heard on E! News - I can't imagine there was the possibility of forgiveness if it the two are the same. Robert Pattinson, if you're out there, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

I just want to show you this amazing picture from the Emmy's (that I did not watch) this weekend:

If I looked even a little bit like that in real life I could die happy.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Queen Beyonce and the 107 year old woman..and butter.

So, more pregnancy rumors again this week. This time, someone saw Beyonce with a "baby bump" that was probably a result of the excellent meal she just consumed. Everyone is confused about the state of Queen B's womb, but I can't imagine the baby, if it happens to be real, would be any less perfect than her current child.

Though the genetically and musically gifted parents didn't sell photos of their child (they didn't profit from their offspring?! Insane!) I'm sure they could have made millions off of that face.

The wonder couple also recently hung out with President Obamz a few days ago at a fundraiser in NYC. It made millions of dollars and blah blah but it also produced this photo:

 If you've ever seen anything better than two of the most famous people ever and the President (plus that guy I don't know) dusting their shoulders off, I'd like to see it.

A lot of people criticize the Prez for being too social and caring more about his golf game than his presidential campaign. I say BS to that nonsense. He made millions of dollars that night and got to hang out with Queen B and Jay-Z - aka the couple who makes money and fabulousness by simply waking up in the morning. You want to get in with an American population that cares more about the state of Katie Holmes' marriage than the State of the Union, then hang out with the President and First Lady of Life, is what I say. Good going, Obamz. Good going.
In other breaking celebrity news, Kim K got a cat - an event that, of course, received national media attention. As it should.

And then someone took a picture of the world's most adorable child Mason cuddling with it.

If that doesn't cue the "awwwwww" I really don't know what will. That cats face+Mason=cuteness overload.
A woman named Juliana Koo is about to be 107 years old. This woman was born in 1905. You know what has happened since 1905? A lot of shit. This woman witnessed The Titanic, MAD wars, JFK's assassination, Nixon AND Clinton, The Great Depression, and so many other things I can't even start a list. She was alive when women were granted the right to vote. I wonder if she was surprised by all the technological innovations she's seen in her lifetime. I also wonder if she always knew cars weren't going to fly in 2012 and is currently saying "told all you morons."

She was alive when bathing suits looked like this:

Not this:

Anyway, her probably ridiculously large family is throwing here a seriously rockin' party to celebrate this INSANELY RARE event. I would ask this woman a million questions about her life. The first one being, "how the eff do you make it to 107?" Does she follow the Jillian Michaels work-out-and-eat-healthy mantra or the Paula Deen butter-butter-everywhere-your-argument-is-invalid-because-butter recipe for success? She says,

"No exercise, eat as much butter as you like and never look backwards."

Butter it is! This woman is 107, I'm going to listen to  her and go have four cupcakes and some fried chicken. 

And also this shoe!

And finally, a man who can't play Jenga Mitt Romney, always good for a laugh:

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Ryan Reynolds. Your argument is invalid.

The speculation surrounding Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds' surprise wedding has hit a peak this week with the BRAND NEW INFORMATION about a possible pregnancy. That would make it a shotgun wedding, ya'll.

Except for that her rep says she's not pregnant. DUH. Following reports that maybe she's eating a bit more than usual these days, a "source" claims those close to her are on "bump watch." That's what reporters gossip hounds are using as their evidence."Last night she had a cheeseburger and not a salad, so she must be preggers!" Really. That's it.

Instead, perhaps she got married because Ryan Reynolds is a COMPLETE STUDMUFFIN. Have these "sources" even seen him? I would marry Ryan Reynolds if he said so much as a hello to me, much less actually took me on a date. Or multiple dates. For a year.

Marry me? I don't care about your other wife.
Maybe we should stop speculating about who is pregnant (Princess Kate? I wish!) and just wait until they blow up to three times their normal size. I think that's good evidence, no?
Amanda Bynes is having a mental breakdown. And ya know what? I'm pretty sure she deserves it.
While I usually absorb celebrity news like a sponge the quality of news unsubstantiated gossip has gone down recently. I  miss the days where it wasn't speculation on who could maybe, possibly, be pregnant, but actual reporting unsubstantiated gossip about lying, cheating, scene stealing and Scientology. Either nobody is doing anything interesting lately or celebrities have hired themselves some kickass PR representation.

For example, Kristen Stewart cheats on Robert Pattinson IN PUBLIC and isn't really any worse for the wear.

And finally:

Real television.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Mullets should be voted off the island

Why would you do that to yourself/child/family?

I had a mullet, once. So did my sister. My brother had one of those rat tails that are really gross and long and need to be combed on a daily basis. My parents didn't want us sporting the "rats nest" hair styles that belonged to my cousins so they decided to butcher our heads with haircuts that would make us cringe when we showed them to significant others and friends in the future.

It looked something like this:

Disclaimer: this is not me and/or my actual family.
One day, my parents decided that the mullet wasn't enough. They wanted to scar me further with haircuts gone wrong, enter: the bowl cut. I'm talking put-a-bowl-on-my-head-and-cut-around-it type haircut that made a boy in my karate class question my gender. To top it all off, they bought me thick, bright read coke bottle glasses. Looking back, I was pretty cute and my diva attitude made it all the more so, but still.

Going through old pictures made me wonder why parents do these sorts of things to their children. Are you trying to scar them for life?

Do you think your child is going to look back on this memory fondly?

 Is it even legal to eat your baby? I want to know who came up with this photographic concept.

I wonder if that father knows one of his children is Satan. I feel for that baby when it grows up and that little girl runs it over with her tricycle.

All of these parents have done something to their children that they cannot take back, whether it be an awkward haircut or a family photo that makes you question the intelligence of humanity. Why can't we all be like this squirrel family?

Now THEY look normal
And finally, every time a child with a weird haircut looks in the mirror, this is their face:

This baby looks like a grown man. Happy Monday!

Friday, September 14, 2012

Happy Friday! Let's celebrate the weekend by laughing at these idiots:

There are no words.

It's Friday and I don't have the brainpower to come up with any snappy witticisms so here is this picture of the Kardashians, which also happens to be a preview of my next post: Why Would You Do That To Your Child/Family/Self.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

That time a man ate an actual leaf

Today I saw a man pick a leaf off of a tree and nibble on it. Just like that. He plucked that little green leaf off of a low-lying branch and took a bite in broad daylight on a busy street in the middle of Washington DC. It was horrifying and ridiculous and just...totally unbelievable. It took me a few seconds to actually acclimate what I KNEW I saw with the normal constraints of society. I know leafy greens are a normal part of a healthy diet, but I think this is taking it a little too far.
Not quite the same as falls from a tree.

So after watching this guy chown down on nature, I got to thinking. We eat weird crap all the time and call it food, so why not greenery? I have compiled a list of what I think are the weirdest foods people all over the world consume. Beware: if you haven't already eaten lunch, you may not want to after some of these.

1 – Puffer fish, Japan
  • This is the deadly delicacy that can only be prepared by specialized chefs because, well, IT'S DEADLY AND POISONOUS. Game, set, match.

2 – Live Octopus, Korea 

  • Cut into pieces WHILE IT IS STILL ALIVE. And then you consume it WHILE IT IS STILL ALIVE. How can people eat this without thinking of a live octopus crawling around in their stomach and reproducing. Ew. I can't. 

3Codfish Sperm, various parts of Asia  

  • There are just no words. 

4 Grasshoppers, Oaxaca, Mexico

  • Just...why would you eat bugs? Why. WHY.

5 – Fried bat, Thailand

  • People over the world run screaming from these creatures, so why would you put one in your mouth?

I'm not actively trying to make fun of anyone's culture here, but the idea that there are people who enjoy fried tarantula (I can't even type the word tarantula without shuddering) and half-fertilized duck egg makes me slightly ill. We do some weird shit here in America, but still. Raw herring. I can't. One time my boyfriend ate ox testicle in Africa. Just sit with that for a minute.


To be fair, here in America we eat chocolate covered bacon, fried pickles and alligator, so we're not really able to talk about weird cuisine.


My thoughts as I accidentally consume Roe or some type of fish egg while trying to eat sushi


In other news, I would like Morgan Freeman to narrate my life.

Well played, sir, well played. You are a genius and I will re-tweet this for forever and ever.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Could I be any more tired of Chris Brown's existence?

Since all I do these days is work and watch old "FRIENDS" re-runs on TV, I started thinking about one of the most underrated sitcom characters in recent memory: Ross Geller. I don't think, in the shadow of all that is wonderful about Joey and Chandler (and yes, they are wonderful and hilarious), that Ross got enough attention/love. The man is a comic genius all wrapped up in a dinosaur nerd. I may be biased because - like Ross - I love dinosaurs AND have a thing for nerds. However, I think the facts speak for themselves in this case. Let me present some evidence and everyone reading this can decide for themselves (afterward if you still don't think he's hilarious then you're tacky and I hate you).


The "PIVOT!" episode is definitely one of the funniest and most quotable episodes and Ross-moments there is. You can't watch that scene and not die laughing. If you can, then you have no soul. Also, Ross' explanation of this THREE FAILED MARRIAGES - a comedy platform if there ever was one - mixes logic and humor. After all, it's all Nevada's fault. Remember the time he didn't tell Rachel they were still married? My point exactly. 
How about the one with the UNAGI?

I could literally go on and on. And so I will, a little.

The Hug and Roll:  
 - Ross: Now, just as she's about to drift off, you hug her, then you roll her over to her side of the bed. She still thinks you're just hugging, and you slip away. Hug for her, roll for you.

Ross & Rachel:
- Rachel: Emma, this is your first Thanksgiving! What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies?
- Ross: A lot of people are thankful for those. 

Ross & the Tanning Salon
The Tanning Salon Guy: Alright Mr. Geller, right this way. So, how dark do you want to be? We have 1, 2, or 3.
Ross: Well uh, I like how you look, what are you?
The Tanning Salon Guy: Puerto Rican.
Ross: Two, I think, a two. 
Ross: You sprayed my front twice!
The Tanning Salon Guy: [looking surprised] You never turned?
Ross: No! I barely even got to three Mississippi.
The Tanning Salon Guy: Mississippi? I said count to five.
Ross: Mississippilessly? 

Ross & the Leather Pants:

There are so many funny moments I could start a whole new blog about it. I won't, but I could. It would be worth it just to go back and remember/laugh at every single hilarious thing he said and did (which was, ironically, everything he said and did).

On a heavier and more depressing note, Chris Brown made headlines this week with a new neck tattoo that is guaranteed to scare the crap out of any female who ever decides to look at him ever again. Aside from the ASSAULT CHARGES that resulted from that time HE BEAT THE LIVING CRAP OUT OF RIHANNA, Chris Brown is a scary looking dude on a normal day, but this tattoo just takes it to a whole new level.

He claims that it is not, in fact, a picture of the girl he beat the crap out of but something entirely different. He claims, "I'm an artist and this is art. Dia de los Muertos." He is referencing the Mexican Day of the Dead, a celebration held on Nov. 1. I call bullshit on this. Have you looked closely at that tattoo? If you haven't I can tell you that IT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE RIHANNA, with a beaten and bloody face, much like that time Brown used her as a punching bag.

Look at that and tell me it's not her. That's right, you can't. Dear Chris Brown, you sir, are an A-HOLE and should probably stop existing. Also, please go change your hair color back to something found in nature. Thanks.

This is a picture of a sugar skull, the item that his tattoo is "modeled after":

I think it looks more like Rihanna than that skull. Let's be honest, when will Chris Brown stop being relevant? I vote for five minutes ago. 

And so, the verdict is in...Ross Geller for President, Chris Brown for #1 person I'd love to see disappear.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Fried dollars and stupid politicians

I realize that what I'm about to say is probably going to offend everyone, but I don't actually care so here it is: people are stupid. John Wayne said it the best:

I've been pointing out how, exactly, people are stupid via various categories, i.e., on Facebook, in naming their children, post-Olympics, etc for awhile. However, there are just so many ways to talk about it I want to highlight some specifically stupid moments which will make you think about speeding up that trip into outer space you've been planning.

Miss Teen South Carolina:

In real life, she said, "I believe that our education like such as South Africa and, uh, the Iraq everywhere like, such as and...I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., err, uh, should help South Africa..." I'm sorry (I'm really not though), but that is just painful for me to type. I was actually IN CLASS at the University of South Carolina when I first heard about the story. I was originally going to defend her - and then I saw the video and wanted to die. I may have Gamecock (and southern!) pride, but it only goes so far.

If I get started talking about gay marriage (and other people's thought that they can decide whether or not PEOPLE ARE ALLOWED TO MARRY THE PERSON THEY LOVE), I will just not stop. So there's this. It's hilarious. And Rush Limbaugh is an idiot.

 Other RL gems (among others; go look at what he said about Sandra Fluke):
  • "We've already donated to Haiti. It's called the U.S. income tax." --Discouraging donations to relief efforts in Haiti after the devastating earthquake, Jan. 13, 2010
  • "Obama's got a health care logo that's right out of Adolf Hitler's playbook ... Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, also ruled by dictate." --Rush Limbaugh, Aug. 6, 2009. HITLER. ADOLF HITLER.

  • "Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society."
This next one doesn't really apply to any ONE SPECIFIC person, but this applies to most girls aged 14-forever.

If this is you, you're an idiot.

No one ever said Mariah Carey was a rocket scientist:
  • "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey. That's a good one, Mariah, I never thought of it like that before.
Aaaaaaand politicians:
  • "I don't understand how they can call me anti-Latino when I've made four movies in Mexico." -- California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
  • "There are known knowns. There are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don't know we don't know." -- Donald Rumsfeld, secretary of defense
  • "I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman." -- Schwarzenegger (see Rush Limbaugh, above)

  • "Only one thing would be worse than the status quo. And that would be for the status quo to become the norm." -- Elizabeth Dole, U.S. senator from North Carolina
  • "Women are best suited for secretarial work, decorating cakes and counter sales, like selling lingerie." -- Larry Koon, South Carolina state representative

George Bush (he either mangled his speechwriters words or had a terrible speech writer - he was also probably not allowed to speak without permission):
  • "I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe -- I believe what I believe is right." --Rome, Italy, July 22, 2001
He has so many it's hard to pick just one. Alas, I did.

This guy is a moron for tattooing his gf's name on his body, but was upgraded to GENIUS STATUS with the way he fixed it:

 Someone give this man a medal. Perhaps the one that was meant for G.W. Bush over there.

Lastly, this is America, so of course someone deep fried money. THERE ARE STARVING KIDS IN AFRICA WHO WOULD LOVE THAT DOLLAR, PEOPLE. When we start eating money, I'm moving to Mars.