Monday, August 27, 2012

Rihanna's beautiful music. And Snooki's baby..aka the apocalypse.

Alright, I'm back from hiatus and I have one question for you: why is Rihanna still relevant? I understand that I"m probably offending a lot of Ri-Ri fans here, but I just can't figure it out. Aside from her songs "Man Down" and "California King," which I just adore, I haven't heard a song from her that didn't make me want to die in a long, long time. For example: "Birthday Cake." Also:

We found love in a hopeless place

Yellow diamonds in the light
Now we’re standing side by side
As your shadow crosses mine

We found love in a hopeless place

It's no wonder she has had literally one album out per year since 2005. It doesn't take long to put one together when all you're doing is repeating the same b.s. for three minutes or less. I wish Noah would come back with that ark so we could put her on it and sail her off into the ocean forever.

Joan Rivers, apparently, feels the same way. I think the rule here is that Joan Rivers was alive for the GREAT DEPRESSION and is therefore so old that it's safe to say she literally knows everything. So, Rihanna, maybe you shouldn't have a Twitter war with someone old enough to have witnessed the Dust Bowl.

This excerpt is why I love Joan Rivers. And also why Rihanna should stick to making whatever it is she makes that is supposed to be music. (via SF Chronicle)
"Rivers, who took to Twitter to call the star out on her confession, writing, 'Rihanna confessed to Oprah Winfrey that she still loves Chris Brown. Idiot! Now it’s MY turn to slap her.'
Rihanna quickly retaliated, replying, 'Joan_Rivers wow u really do get slow when you’re old huh?', before adding, 'Slap on some diapers.'
Rivers then tried to make amends by inviting her on her show 'Fashion Police,' writing, 'Honey, Rihanna, everyone knows: If he hit you once, he’ll hit you again. Read the statistics. PS – Love to have you on Fashion Police!'"
I know Joan technically started it with her mocking comments to Oprah, but suggesting that an 84-year old woman wear diapers is crossing the line, Ri-Ri. Especially when the woman IS RIGHT.  But, all is not lost! She's apparently dating a Kardashian now so hopefully she'll be absorbed into their awesomeness and start to suck less.

For one second, I would like to say something about all men ever:

You're welcome.

In other news, Snooki had her baby yesterday. While I am a fan of the idiocy that is the Jersey Shore - I'm from New Jersey after all - I can't help but wonder what that baby is going to grow  up to be. I can't pretend to know anything about how intelligent Snooki is in real life, I can say that they way they've framed her on TV and the way I've seen her on Twitter make her look like an absolute moron.

Lobster, the only thing that's alive when you kill it.
WHAT IS SHE GOING TO TEACH THIS CHILD. I swear to god, Lorenzo Dominic is going to have a spray tan before he turns one. I'm waiting for the picture to document that occasion. I seriously cannot wait to watch this child grow up and make fun of what I'm sure will be his absolute idiocy. No offense, kid.

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