Thursday, August 30, 2012

Babies are cute until you name them something stupid

As a young 20-something woman who aspires to do wonderful things (ha ha ha) with her life, I can definitively say that Giuliana Rancic is one of my idols. I aspire to be like her so many ways it's insane. She has overcome so many obstacles (cancer, infertility, long-distance marriage, etc.) and has smiled for the cameras THE ENTIRE TIME. Her enormous forehead aside, the woman is as amazing as they come.

So this is why, after reading extensive breaking news reports this morning, I HAVE to wonder why IN GOD'S NAME she would  name her child Edward Duke [Rancic].

That baby's face when he realizes that he has to go by 'Ed' forever
Aside from the "it's a family name!" argument, I can't possible imagine that Giuliana and Bill thought that it was normal to name your child Edward in 2012. I can't understand this, and it's stressing me out. There are names out there that are so much better (and so much worse, but more on that in a minute) than Ed. It's 2012; get with the program, people.

The name Edward itself has been on the rise since the Twilight franchise made its debut, but I can't imagine Giuliana - who is a celebrity in her own right - would name her much-awaited child after a fictional character. The only upside to this unfortunate choice (aside from the fact that the Rancic's finally have a baby after YEARS of waiting) is that Edward Duke sounds kind of regal, almost more prince-like than William or Harry. (How dare I say such a thing! A GASP heard around the world!)

Keeping in tune with the idea of the stupid names parents give their children, I want to look at some other ridiculous ideas that people came up with. I'm sure you've heard of the guy who named his child after the Facebook "Like" button. I'm sorry but no one likes (ha ha ha) Facebook THAT MUCH.

Then there are celebrities who decided that a life in the spotlight wasn't enough for their child - they have to give them a stupid name as well. I.e., Apple, Pilot Inspektor, Kal-El, Fifi Trixibelle, Kyd, Sage Moonblood, Destry, Memphis Eve (really, BONO, REALLY?), Prince Michael II/Blanket, Moon Unit, Diva Thin Muffin, Moxie Crimefighter, and the worse baby name I have ever heard, EVER, Jermajesty. That's a good one, Jermaine Jackson, way to scar your child for the REST OF IT'S LIFE.

Real people name their children moronic things also. How about La-a, pronounced "La-dash-a?" What about Adrenaline, pronounced "A-Dra-Nee-Lynn," with the emphasis on the NEE. I mean...what compels these people?

Urhines Kendall Icy Eight Special K is a real person. So is GoldenPalaceDotCom Silverman. Apparently, "in 2005, the Internet casino paid $15,000 to name a baby after itself and got more than it paid for in media attention." Is this real life? I can't believe that people like this exist in this world. What is going to happen to that child when it goes to school and has to repeat its name to everyone it meets. You know who else is a real person? God Shammgod, apparently.

The 2010 #99 most popular name for a girl was Nevaeh, which is Heaven spelled backward. I will literally never understand people.

And finally...

"If a girl shows any interest, I'm like, 'Yes! I love you, you're amazing!'"

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