Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Universe Always Wins

Bad roommates, we've all had them. If you haven't then I guess you can just laugh at this and think about your good fortune (I probably hate you). I like to think that my roommate luck has been a war with the Universe. Let's see who wins in this grudge match, shall we?
Freshman year, I hit the random roommate lottery. Take that, Universe, that's a point for me.
Amanda-1, Universe-0

Sophomore year, I was placed in a suite of six girls, all with an attached bath and rooms so tiny you couldn't have laid on the floor between the beds. My suite mates were nice. Point for me.
Amanda-2, Universe-0

And then there was my actual roommate herself. I like to call her..well, I honestly try not to think about her at all. She was very busy so I was hoping it wouldn't turn out too bad. I could not have been MORE WRONG. 

She was a huge fan of blow drying her hair before soccer practice at 6 am, in our actual room. She left her Crocs (yes, you read that right) in the middle of the floor and she liked to just make me uncomfortable in a myriad of ways daily.

 She was annoying, but not all terrible, until the night she came home at 4 am and proceeded to throw up all over our entire tiny dorm room and then PASS OUT before cleaning it up. When I first woke up, I thought someone had bled to death. It was the middle of winter and therefore freezing, so I had to open all of the (two) windows and turn the fan on to air out the smell. Our room smelled like someone died for weeks after that. 
Amanda-2, Universe-1

Junior year I moved into a house with one of my friends and a few random girls. They were nice girls, if a bit annoying at times, but I had my own room so all was right with the world. One roommate, I'll call her The Worst Roommate Ever (TWRE, for short) started out awesome. If only I had been able to predict the future. The Universe gets a point for this year because of the havoc she causes later.
Amanda-2, Universe-2

Finally, my last year of college, I moved into an apartment with four of my friends. I get a point for three of the girls - though we had our spats - because I love them and anyone can tell you it's damn hard to live with your friends in those circumstances (or at all).
Amanda-3, Universe-2

I had four friends when I started the year, but after the first week I knew that would not last. TWRE never cleaned. Not one single time. She let the dishes pile up in the sink until someone was forced to do them for her, left dirty dishes everywhere, and didn't pick up a broom or a sponge for AN ENTIRE YEAR. She complained about how hard her coursework was (ALL. THE. TIME.) and blamed everyone but herself for her failures (she failed every test I ever saw her take in two years). She was a fan of forcing us to sit through her manic rationalizations of her failure. However, I cannot possibly write about all of the things she did over the course of the year because I would probably have to just die, so here are three instances stand out in my mind as things I would put her on trial for if that sort of thing were possible.

1) She once watched me clean a sink/kitchen full of HER dishes for two hours. Sat on the couch and watched. When I shattered a glass on my foot and had to clean up the blood, she said "wow, that must hurt."

2) She paraded into the room I shared with one of my actual best friends and said the following: "If Amanda doesn't remove her shampoo after her shower one more time I am going to put the bottles in her bed." This from the girl-who-never-cleans. It would have been ironic if I hadn't wanted to kill her.

3) She had this boyfriend. I'm pretty sure he was an alien from planet WHAT-THE-ACTUAL FREAKING-WHAT because he was the grossest, weirdest, dumbest person I have ever met. I can't even describe him without wanting to throw up in my mouth. Picture the ugliest, most annoying person you've ever met and multiply that by infinity. And he was also annoying, on top of it. Well, whenever he came over for the weekend I did my best to be out of the apartment or to lock myself in my room for fear of actually punching him in the face. One time I told him that I didn't like when strangers touched me, and he chased me around my own apartment trying to give me a hug. The fact that I never have to see him again makes me dance with all kinds of joy.

So, TWRE, she gets 5 points for the Universe because she was the worst roommate anyone has ever had ever.
Amanda-3, Universe-7

Finally, this past April, I moved in with my boyfriend in Maryland while I was searching for a place of my own. His roommate is a gamer in every sense of the word and there are many, many things I can say about him, but I will refrain - I still have to interact with him - and give it up for the Universe on this one. Just trust me.

Amanda-3, Universe- Infinity. Or 8, whatever.

You win, Universe. You win. I won the bad roommate lottery so many years in a row I'm not sure I ever want to live with anyone ever, ever again. Thanks for that, Universe. Thanks for that.

No comments:

Post a Comment